A Love/Hate Relationship

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A Love/Hate Relationship

                It all began in third or fourth grade, when the teachers started giving long-term assignments and projects.  I would say, “This is nice, I have three weeks to get this done!” and then forget about it for twenty days, until my teacher reminded us, “Don’t forget, your project is due tomorrow!”  That night, I would tell my parents about this project for the first time, and they would scold me for a half hour about why I must tell them about these long-term assignments on the first day next time, and not wait until the last minute to decide I was going to get my crap together and do it.  I would finally begin at around seven or eight o’ clock, and finish three or four hours later, barely having enough strength remaining to crawl up the stairs to my bedroom.  For the first few years, I didn’t even know this sequence of events had a special name, but since then, I have learned that it has been dubbed ‘procrastination’.

                Since then, this same long, drawn-out process has recurred numerous times in my life; I would guess at least thirty to forty.  This tradition haunts me to this day, as I must write two more blog posts after this before midnight.  I have less than six hours, and this is the first blog post I have ever written.  I am generally regarded as a very smart kid, number one in my class, two or three years ahead in math and science, the top .01 percent of the population, blah blah blah… but I am somehow not smart enough to plan out how I am going to systematically work on an assignment throughout a week.  However, unlike most, I don’t believe it is ineptitude or even a terrible habit.  I think it is an addiction.  I seriously think that I am addicted to the stress and rewarding feeling I get after finishing this seemingly impossible task, defying all odds; it gives me a sort of high that I cannot resist.

My mom tells me every time, “One time, something is going to happen that you can’t control, and this is going to seriously burn your ass.  Then, you’ll learn not to do this.”  I agree, and every time I finish one of these Herculean efforts, I tell myself that I will never let this happen again, and every time I am assigned a four-week project, I firmly tell myself that I will not wait until the last minute, and that I will get it done early this time.  And every time, I end up waiting until a day or two before it is due, and then usually do the whole thing in one night.  Everyone tells me not to do wait: my teachers tell me not to wait until the last minute, my parents tell me not to wait until the last minute, my friends tell me not to wait until the last minute, I even tell myself not to wait until the last minute.

However, most people don’t realize that this severe procrastination does have its few benefits.  First of all, when your back is pressed against the wall, you aren’t going to waste any time, and you are going to be more productive than you ever could be otherwise.  Also, in a work environment in the future, I will know from a huge amount of practice that I will always meet the deadline as long as it relies solely on my shoulders.  When they assign a project, I always jokingly tell my teachers, “This might as well be due tomorrow, because I’m going to do it all on the last day.”  In my mind, it’s a joke, but it always turns out not to be.  I tell myself that I have plenty of time, I have three weeks, I have another two weeks, I still have another entire week, I still have four days, I still have tomorrow.  And then, it is tomorrow, and there is no more waiting.  It is then that I sit down and get it done, and done well.

Although many people my age procrastinate, I believe that my process of procrastination and my reason for it is unique.  I seriously doubt that anyone else feels good before, during, or after their horrible nightmare of procrastination.  However, after finishing a huge project in three hours and knowing that it is still better than anyone else’s gives me a great feeling of accomplishment, and it just makes me feel really good.  Don’t get me wrong, I never do it on purpose, and I hate myself for it, but it gives me this weird feeling of satisfaction.  Despite my thoughts to never let it happen again, I always end up waiting until the last second, and experiencing this feeling over and over again.  I really do believe that I am going to stop my procrastination eventually, but I’m just not sure if it’s going to be anytime soon.  I’m pretty sure it won’t be before I finish high school.